Newspapers, poospapers
by Rachel Ragg
It’s Monday morning – so it’s time to read last week’s newspapers.
Well, that’s not strictly true. It’s actually time to clean out the guinea pigs. But as lining their cage with old newspaper is my sole opportunity to catch up on all the news I’ve missed for the past week, cleaning them out takes a while.
While it’s quite good fun finding out what happened a week ago, it’s even more fun deciding who the guinea pigs get to wee on. When Gordon Brown was still PM, there was no competition. However, that was just a teeny bit dull. Now I get to choose. Is it going to be Wayne Rooney or Anne Robinson? A foreign dictator is always a good poo-receptacle. So is a Miliband (any one will do).
Sometimes I get a nice surprise, and some forgotten object of irritation presents himself to me. Today’s was Paul Daniels. There is no satisfaction quite like it.
Tee hee, I think to myself as I launch the piggies back into their nice clean cage.
Then my mother calls.
“I’ve just seen your last Daily Mail article,” she says.
“Oh goody,” I reply. “How nice it must be to sit and have coffee and read the Mail.”
“Yes. I just retrieved it from the chicken coop. I’m afraid you’re covered in chicken droppings.”
I think I have got my come-uppance.
Ha! Very good.
Paul Daniels really is a scroteful goblin though. Didn’t he once promise to leave the country if a labour government ever came to power?
I have never, ever heard the word ‘scroteful’ – but I have a feeling that it is the word I have always needed when talking about PD (which, of course, I do on a regular basis). Thank you for that one.
Oh please let them wee on Richard Dawkins, Prof Ebdon and Alex Salmond. After they’ve finished on the Milibands, of course.
Oh, I had forgotten about that particular triumvirate. How could I? I shall be looking out for them next Monday when my Telegraphs are heading cage-wards…
Ha ha !! Glad to know you have found a good use for the pages of the gutter press! I don’t even get a paper so I am even more behind the times than you. I get all my news via twitter which makes me a bit of a twit
I’m afraid the guinea pigs are more upmarket in their lavatorial habits. Their loo of choice is the Daily Telegraph.
Isn’t The Sun launching a new Sunday paper soon? Just think. No more tearing pages out, or angsting over whose face would most benefit from a sprinkling of guinea pig pee-pee. Just give them the whole paper….
Oh my goodness. I’d have to buy The Sun! But it would certainly speed up the whole pig-cleaning operation…