The Facts of Life
by Rachel Ragg
My guinea pigs have decided that spring has sprung.
I know this because they have spent the entire day waggling their bottoms and growling at one another. Oh, and they’ve also been trying to hump one another’s heads.
As a good mother, I have decided that this is the perfect opportunity to enlighten the children about the birds and the bees (and the piggies).
As they (the children, that is) are nearly 10 and nearly 8, some might think that I should have done this already.
I have tried, honest: I bought a How Babies Are Made book and left it oh-so-casually lying around on the kitchen table. It was ignored, so I left it oh-so-casually on the bathroom floor. I’m not sure the captive audience was captivated.
So when my daughter finally asked why the guinea pigs were playing piggy-back, I seized the moment. They’re not playing piggy-back, I explained. It’s the time of year when want to start making baby guinea pigs, and they’re feeling frustrated because they haven’t got a girl guinea pig to make them with.
“Are they gay?” my son asked (thanks to the older boys, ‘gay’ is the talk of the playground).
No, I replied. Guinea pigs can’t really be gay.
“Why not?”
This is not going quite the way I’d planned.
“Well, I don’t really know. Anyway, they’re brothers.”
As if that explained everything.
I congratulated myself for having enlightened the children without causing undue excitement as they sloped off to the trampoline.
But what is this? They weren’t heading for the trampoline after all. They were heading for Daddy’s Workshop.
“Daddy, Daddy, guess what? The guinea pigs are standing up and fighting, and MUMMY SAYS THEY’RE HAVING SEX.”
I fear I still have some explaining to do.
Oh dear…
Yes. Mother fails again!
Homosexuality has been documented in 1500 species that range from dolphins to primates to everything else
Well, I am now the one who is being enlightened! That could very well appeal to my son’s insatiable thirst for facts. In fact, I might pretend I knew that all along
here’s a good article: http://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/20718.aspx
Fascinating piece. Thank you!
That’s so funny, I love it! Those piggies have a lot to answer for
I know. They are now fast asleep after three hours of noisy bottom-waggling. Phew.
That is very funny, I love it! Those piggies have a lot to answer for
Someone lent me a book of the facts of life so I could enlighten my small pair, but the pictures frightened me so much I hid it behind my back copies of Gardeners World. Maybe you could show yours that little book on vegetable pleasuring.
Oh dear, I had quite forgotten about that. My head is now full of guinea pigs and courgettes, so thank you for that.
I had to let my husband explain the facts of life to our kids because everytime I tried, I would burst out laughing. Anyways, the hubby did a superb job without laughing.
The children’s first question this morning: “Are the guinea pigs going to do sex today?”
I remember once we were all driving along a country highway, only to see two horses going at it – the kids still don’t like to chat about it.
I remember teaching my younger brother about this sort of thing.
He grassed me up.
Twat.
Now I’m confused. You have gay guinea pigs? That’s awesome!
But will they mind you outing them on the interweb?
Oh dear. I forgot to ask them!
Well, at least you tried, hey? I love the brothers explanation. Mich x
hee hee! The one at the back in the photo (not in any other sense) reminds me of my guinea pig, Perkin, that I had as a child. My mum had even more issues to deal with than you though, as my male guinea pig, lived with my brother’s male rabbit. There were some very interesting fights…
Oh wow. That must have been fun for her…
Overhearing “Mummy says” is always an anxious moment.
Especially when it involves the Facts Of Life…