The Lady’s Not For Turning – Not

Thanks to last night’s news, I have been reminded that U-turns are a Very Bad Thing. Ed Balls said so, so it must be true.

To my mind, this proves only that he spends more time at work than he spends with his children.

All real parents know that U-turns are inevitable.

Dummies, toddler reins, television, computer games, Annabel Karmel, Disney … you name it, I have U-turned on it. Schools, puppies, where to live … yep, you’ve guessed it. If it weren’t for U-turns, my son would have been under a bus, and my daughter would be bottom in Horrible History.

We don’t even save our U-turns for little things like where to live, either. They even extend to McDonald’s and Pizza Hut. Mr Balls has obviously never been trapped in a Cornwall-bound car with my children for 12 hours if he thinks that  fuel duty, static caravans and Cornish pasties represent a serious change of policy.

I like to think that my U-turns demonstrate my admirable flexibility and willingness to listen and take into account the situations as they are, rather than as I imagined they might be (cue ludicrous visions of well-mannered children daintily nibbling home-made organic cous-cous). They are obviously not the result of having made rubbish decisions in the first place.

I think the only thing we haven’t U-turned on is having children. Though that’s probably only because it’s too late.

When it comes to everything else, this lady is very decidedly for turning.

Sam’s Dad, Naked

I am not good at recognising faces. In fact, I am so bad at recognising faces that I failed to recognise my own husband when I bumped into him in John Lewis.

But when we were at the local swimming pool at half term, it wasn’t a problem, as my children were perfectly able to recognise their schoolfriend Sam and his dad when we found ourselves sharing a float with them at water “fun”. And so we spent a merry hour in the pool with Sam and his dad, then went our separate ways.

This morning, I found myself standing next to a man in the playground. The fact that he was in the playground suggested that he was a parent. And the fact that he said hello to me suggested that I should know who he was.

“Hello,” I replied carefully. Hmm, I wondered. Where have I seen you before?

He was smart and well dressed, which suggested that he had a real job. But that didn’t narrow it down quite enough.

“Did the children enjoy the water fun?” he asked.

Then the proverbial penny dropped. Swimming pool. Water fun. Sam’s dad.

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I’m so sorry – I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on.”

The playground fell silent.

It is said that the worst thing you can do when you are in a hole is to keep on digging. So that’s precisely what I did.

“Um, I mean, I don’t mean naked, I mean, swimming … trunks … oh dear.”

I think I will send my husband to do the school pick-up today.